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Nomz

Oh I love you, nomz. Love love love. And I’m a fucking DUDE. A big dude. You probably wouldn’t fuck with me unless you were a still bigger dude and then I feel sorry for you because it must be hard to find jackets. But I still love this word and I’m so happy the internet has made it possible.

We have shown our love to neologisms before, including vag, flex, and hipster (not actually a neologism, but masquerading as one). But nomz is the best, because it is the cutest word for the cutest food. Nomz is the plural of nom, but is more common in the plural. Cupcakes are nomz. So are mini-tarts. Ribeye steaks are definitely not nomz, although you might say “om nom nom” while eating one. Of course, some might argue that anything which makes you go “om nom nom” while eating it qualifies as a nom or nomz. These people are dead wrong. Dismiss any opinion they have and don’t let them touch your genitals.

There seems to be little question where “om nom nom” comes from, if my five minutes of Googling has any authority (it’s more time than you spent Googling baby names before you settled on “Clay”, so I think it probably does). “Om nom nom” is the sound Cookie Monster makes when eating cookies. This is even explained by Cookie Monster himself in this video. I was, however, entertained by this alternate explanation, if a wholly spurious one.

The word “nom”, used more as a verb or onomatopoeia, and the adorably pluralizing “Z” on the end, nouning it, though, surely all come to us from LOLcats and its many spinoffs.

And yet, so far as I can tell, no respectable dictionary carries it. If this doesn’t piss you off nothing will.

Posted 13 December 2010 † Christopher § Food § Great Spelling § Neologisms § Simplicity § Sounds like its meaning ‡ Comments (0) °

Hypocorism

I love this definition of hypocorism from Wikipedia (no reference given):

hypocorisms frequently demonstrate (indirectly) a phonological linguistic universal (or tendency) for high-pitched sounds to be used for smaller creatures and objects (here as more “cute” or less imposing names)

To the rest of us this means our tendency to take a word, or name, and make it shorter, cuter, and add Y-sounds. Often, these words are used for the benefit of stupid babies who can’t talk right and their stupid parents who think they’re special because something came out of them that wasn’t piss or shit (that time I was shrooming and my shit was talking to me from the toilet bowl does NOT count, apparently. It told me I lacked character.). For example, if your name is Jennifer, then Jenny is a hypocorism. Jonny is a hypocorism for Jonathan, and so is Jon-Jon. There’s doggy for dog, Aussie for Australian, and Ferrari for failed 1984 United States Vice-Presidential Candidate Geraldine Ferraro.

But I in particular have a special problem with hypocorisms. My given name is Christopher, and I introduce myself as Christopher. These introductions usually go like this:

Hi. I’m Christopher Stetson Wilson. Nice to meet you.
Pleasure to meet you, Chris.

Really. This happens ALL THE DAMN TIME. And I HATE the name Chris. It’s so lame. It has no gravitas. Any idiot with a mouthhole and a butthole can be a Chris, but I’m at least six letters better than that. People use a hypocorism right to my face without my permission. Sometimes I wish my parents had given me a name with no hypocorism. Like Gunter, or Elliot, or Flavius. This is one of the reasons, when a few of my friends started calling me CSW, that I started introducing myself that way. It’s a bit pompous, I know, but sometimes that’s what it takes to combat hypocorical rudeness.

Posted 08 December 2010 † Christopher § Nouns § Specificity § Usefulness ‡ Comments (2) °

Hipster

We’re doing this. If those pricks at WordsIHate can do irony I can surely pull off a hipster post.

There’s no point in working to define this word. Everyone has a slightly different interpretation of what a hipster is and it’s been talked to death. But this is precisely why I love this word. I love to talk about words and their meaning, and no other word creates so much consternation among the very people that use it. In fact, I would argue you can’t even call someone a hipster without it starting a conversation about what a hipster is.

I differ from most people, though, in that I see hipster as a positive affirmation, even though so many people use it pejoratively. In fact, I consider myself a hipster. If we’re going by some of the conventions of hipsterdom, I fit right in. I make music, T-shirts, comics (and more comics), blogs (you’re reading one), and coffee. I shop vintage and consignment almost exclusively, I have a complex and varied taste in (modern) music, and I will judge someone based on their musical tastes. I’m sarcastic and for the most part think I’m better than everyone else. I also grew up in the suburbs, and moved into the city by choice.

But then in a lot of ways I’m not a hipster. I don’t ride a bike. In fact I hate riding bikes. I have a car which I love to drive, although one might argue it’s kind of a hipster car (I mean why else would Arcade Fire put it on the cover of their album if not for hipster credibility?) I don’t drink PBR, in fact I don’t drink at all. I also don’t roll my own cigarettes or smoke Parliaments (as hipsters used to). I have no tattoos or piercings, I think mustaches, V-neck T-shirts and redneck sheik are abominations, and I wear glasses because I need glasses, not for fashion.

I think anyone who’s relatively young, who isn’t a Mormon, has some aspect of hipster in them. And why is that a bad thing? Hipsters are, for the most part, well-educated and social, they care about music and the arts, good food, and the environment, they tend to be liberal/left politically, support gay, LGBT, and women’s rights, many are well-traveled and care about international affairs and can discuss politics. There are, of course, many who may be overly self-centered or hypocritical, but who isn’t when they’re 23? I argue that these criticisms are lobbed by the insecurely ignorant and unfashionable, as well as a slightly older generation who’s ready to criticize the younger generation for being so superficial, even though EVERYONE is superficial and self-centered when they’re young.

So if you aren’t a hipster, just let them live their life and you can go back to watching the NBA and listening to Train and Daughtry and voting for homophobes and paying actual money to see another piece of shit starring The Rock. I promise I won’t judge you. (I’m so totally judging you right now.)

Posted 29 November 2010 † Christopher § Neologisms § Nouns § Powerful Meaning ‡ Comments (0) °

Dilettante

Stop calling everybody hipsters. Some of them are really just dilettantes, and need to be called out.

Dilettante, a beautiful word lifted straight from the Italian dilettante, once meant someone who loved music and the arts, but in the 18th century it took on a negative vibe, meaning someone who dabbles in art or music in an amateurish way. The Random House definition puts it best:

a person who takes up an art, activity, or subject merely for amusement, esp. in a desultory or superficial way; dabbler.

As we saw with feckless, I love using uncommon words to insult people. And this one is so lovingly specific. When your friend decides to get a keyboard (UK: synth) and a drum machine and start a band, they’re not a hipster, they’re a dilettante.

Posted 08 November 2010 † Christopher § Insulting § Nouns ‡ Comments (0) °

Be Well

A few of my friends have asked me what they should say instead of “have a good one”, since now I’ve totally ruined it for them, along with everything else they say. And in spite of my suggestion we go back to saying “good evening” on parting, I wanted something with a little more heft, but was struck dumb as to what it should be.

And then, while leaving one of the consignment/vintage stores on my rotation, Into the Wardrobe of Providence (I always want to call it “Out of the Closet” for some reason, hmmm…) a lovely young lady, whose name sadly escapes me, solved this puzzle with the phrase “Be Well”. She said it like she meant it.

So the next time you feel like saying “have a good one”, say “be well” instead. And you will both feel a lot better about it.

Posted 25 October 2010 † Christopher § Expressions § Powerful Meaning ‡ Comments (2) °

Matriculate

In its most general form, “matriculate” means “to be added to a list”. It’s one of the most passive, uninteresting actions ever reduced to verb form. By this definition, milk matriculates every time I go to the grocery. It’s silly.

But of course, most of the time we use “matriculate” to mean we’ve enrolled in college. But we already have a word for that…ENROLLED! It means almost the exact same thing. So here we have this redundant, useless word. But a-ho! Therein lies its strength, because given proper context, “matriculate” can act as a stand-in for almost anything! In fact, I had to create a new category, “Wild Card”, just for this purpose.

So the next time you can’t think of a word, just substitute “matriculate” and I guarantee people will understand you.

  • I just can’t matriculate an answer for you. You’ll have to matriculate it yourself.
  • We tried and tried, but we just couldn’t matriculate your arm. It’s been matriculated.
  • That girl is crazy! We were matriculating all weekend! Now my balls are all matriculated!
  • I haven’t matriculated in days and I’m all backed up.
  • Oh christ, I matriculated all over your bathroom. So sorry.
Posted 20 September 2010 † Christopher § Wild Card ‡ Comments (1) °

Shallow Epicontinental Seas

The phrase “shallow epicontinental seas” only comes up when talking about one specific subject: the Cretaceous period, and the many swimming dinosaurs that inhabited them, such as mosasaurs. Imagine a 50-foot-long crocodile with giant flippers that glides like a whale and eats anything. It would even eat your hairy nutsack after you’ve been wrestling. Even that.

The shallow epicontinental seas existed due to higher-than-normal sea levels during the cretaceous period (possibly caused by caveman fires which created global warming or something, I forget my natural history). This caused the continental lowlands to flood for thousands and thousands of miles. Whole ecosystems were supported by these expansive shallow epicontinental seas, and creatures such as the mosasaur were the top predators within.

The Persian Gulf, the North Sea, and even Hudson Bay are considered to be extant shallow epicontinental seas.

Posted 19 September 2010 † Christopher § Expressions § Science § Specificity ‡ Comments (0) ° Tagged: ,

Ersatz

The ugly duckling that grew up to be a beautiful word. It’s hard to say, it’s ugly to look at, and anyone who uses it is instantly declared a pretentious cock. And such a useful word for pretentious, ivory tower cocks such as myself! It just floats off the tip of the tongue like a bratwurst drowning in sauerkraut.

For you uneducated people who don’t even know what it means, here is the definition (scoffs):

adj. — serving as a substitute; synthetic;

For example–to use a situation people like YOU might be familiar with–if you were to stack all the empty Natural Ice bottles in your dorm room, and then sit on them to watch an episode of whatever braindead car chase reality show is popular on television these days, you would be sitting on an ersatz chair.

Or say you have sex with a girl who is too drunk to refuse your advances. This is what you and your frat boy friends call ersatz consent. Then when the university looks the other way and let’s you off with a warning, while the young lady you had your way with is forced to transfer to another school out of public humiliation, that’s what we call ersatz justice.

Clear as day.

Posted 05 September 2010 † Christopher § Adjectives § Pretentious § Usefulness ‡ Comments (6) °

I Got Shit To Do

Few expressions are capable of meaning one thing as well as its opposite. Such is the case with “I got shit to do”. The difference in meaning can be conveyed through emphasis. Saying “I got shit to do” means

I have many things to do

Whereas “I got shit to do”, spoken with an upward inflection on “do” means

I don’t have anything to do at all

My theory is that the latter meaning, which is far far more colloquial, is actually an abbreviated version of “I ain’t got shit to do”.

This is an idiomatic paradox. Using it is tantamount to language anarchy. That kind of chaos and destruction gives me a big boner.

Posted 07 March 2010 † Christopher § Double-Meaning § Expressions ‡ Comments (2) °

Vag

Why didn’t I think of this?

More importantly, why did nobody think of this sooner? Surely this abridged version of “vagina” has been around for years, but somehow I’ve only been hearing it in the last year or two. Where has it been all my life?

“Vag” is a slightly derogatory term for the vagina, used as slang. But the reason I love it so much is because it is typically used by women to refer to their own parts as crudely as possible. Just like “vagina” it is completely lacking in sexual undertones, but unlike “vagina” it is not sterile and medical. It is bizarre and filthy. One does not have sex with a vag, or examine a vag, one crams objects in a vag. A vag is not clean and ladylike, it is filthy and oozing with stinking putrid fluids. And that is why I love this word. It deliberately calls attention to the negative aspects of vaginas, sort of how the word “junk” makes light of a man’s parts, which on first examination are completely unnecessary.

It even sounds horrible. Like it’s going to eat you. And all that bundled up in three little letters.

Respect the Vag.

Posted 23 February 2010 † Christopher § Best Sounding § Neologisms § Powerful Meaning § Sex § Simplicity ‡ Comments (1) °