Heinous

Bad is bad, and awful as more bad, and terrible is still badder. Go past unbearable, slip around horrific and atrocious (expialidocious). Long gone are crummy, raunchy, and dreadful. An inch beyond abominable, you’re at the Heinous.

There is nothing in the world more heinous than a heinous thing. And while so many words have lost their mettle through overuse and deflation, heinous has stayed true and putrid. There are two reasons for this:

  1. When you say “heinous” out loud, I can smell your breath, and you’ve just finished eating someone’s anus.
  2. Heinous rhymes with anus.

The genius who invented this word (probably some Old French guy) must have known that anus would always be heinous. Even people who highly value anal play (the Irish and most Mormons) know that the heinous starts in the anus.

You could murder, like, fifty people, and the media, at worst, would only call these “horrific actions”. To get to heinous, you’d have to start raping 10-year-olds…in the anus. Then you’ve committed “heinous offenses”.

Here is a list of heinous things:

  • All diarrhea, when looked at, including dog diarrhea and shark diarrhea
  • Hormel Chunky No Bean Chili (it’s just diarrhea in a can, they can’t fool me)
  • A capella music
  • Opossums, particularly all of them
  • Morrissey

Comments 1

  1. gil wrote:

    Sir,
    You accidentally put Morrissey on your list.
    Cheers.

    Posted 17 Feb 2011 at 12:31 pm

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